The Day I Chose Myself: A Journey from Confusion to Clarity

How I Reclaimed My Voice, My Truth, and My Definition of Love - on a 4-Hour Retreat with Elizabeth Alanis

Note from Elizabeth: This piece was written based on a heartfelt letter I received from a client after her private retreat. With her permission, I have shared it here—her words, her experience, her clarity—as a beacon for others who may find themselves walking a similar path. Her name has been changed to protect her privacy.

I am Maya, and I am happy to share this true story with you.

Three months after separating from my husband, I still couldn’t breathe.

He had betrayed me—again. The lies, the infidelities, the drinking, the way he would twist things and make me feel like it was all my fault. And still, he was calling me, texting me, promising change, asking for therapy, saying he wanted to work things out. And I didn’t know what to do.

My heart was exhausted. My mind was spinning. Part of me wanted to believe him, to believe that people can change. Another part of me didn’t trust him at all. I had tried for so long, endured so much, that I didn’t even know what normal felt like anymore.

Then a friend said something that shifted everything.

She had recently attended a two-day retreat with a psychotherapist and shaman named Elizabeth Alanis. She said, “You don’t have to figure this out alone. There’s a space where you can lay it all down and listen to what your heart really knows.”

That’s how I found Elizabeth. And I gave myself a gift that felt extravagant at first—maybe even selfish. A 4-hour private retreat. Just for me. What I found during those hours was more than I could’ve imagined.

The Truth I Didn’t Want to Admit

It was hard to even say the words aloud. The questions Elizabeth asked were gentle, but they reached deep.

Had he ever physically hurt me?

Yes.

But I had normalized it for so long, I didn’t even realize how much I had minimized it. I had told myself, It’s not that bad. But when I spoke the truth out loud—how he had grabbed me, left bruises, blocked the door so I couldn’t leave—it became real. I heard myself. And for the first time, I believed me.

Elizabeth didn’t judge me. She didn’t pity me. She looked at me with clear eyes and a soft heart and said,“This is serious. This is not love. This is not safe.”

And I wept.

Patterns I Hadn’t Seen

We looked at my past—past relationships, past choices—and the same story kept showing up. Different names. Same pain.

I started to blame myself. What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing this?

But instead of letting me spiral into shame, Elizabeth met my inner critic with tenderness. She helped me zoom out to see the larger map of my life.

We talked about my childhood—how I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father and a mother who never left him. How I saw the same cycles in my aunts, my cousins, even my friends. How I heard the same lines again and again:

“That’s just how men are.”

“At least he provides.”

“You don’t leave your husband.”

Some part of me had absorbed all of it. Without even knowing it, I had inherited a script.

Love is sacrifice.

Love is forgiving everything.

Love is endurance.

Love is staying—no matter what.

But then Elizabeth asked me a question that changed everything.

“Is this what you want your daughter to experience?”

I didn’t hesitate.

“No!”

And suddenly it became clear:

If it’s not good for my daughter, it’s not good for me.

A New Vision of Love

From there, everything shifted. She asked me:

“What would you like to teach your daughter about love?” “What does love truly mean to you?”

I paused. I breathed. I began to remember.

Love is safety. Love is honesty. Love is compassion, reciprocity, freedom.

I began to shape a new definition. One that was mine. One that I could live by—and teach.

And with every answer, I felt my power return.

The Ceremony

We ended the retreat with a shamanic healing ceremony—something I’d never experienced before.

In that sacred space, I released the old patterns that didn’t belong to me. The ancestral stories. The weight I had carried from generations of women who were told to endure. Who were never taught to choose themselves.

I called upon my ancestors—not just to witness, but to help. I asked for their support in breaking the generational cycle. I asked for healing not only for myself, but for those who came before me, and those who will come after.

This cycle ends here. With me. Now.

I asked for protection. I asked for strength. I asked to remember who I truly am.

When I Left

I walked out feeling different.

Lighter. Clearer. Freer.

I knew what I wanted. I knew what love meant to me. And I knew I didn’t have to stay in something that hurt me to prove I was worthy.

That day, I chose myself. And I’ll keep choosing myself, again and again.

Closing Invitation

If you’re standing where I stood—in heartbreak, confusion, or fear—please know there is a way through. Elizabeth Alanis created a space where I could hear my truth again. And it changed everything.

You deserve that too.

If this speaks to you, consider gifting yourself a 4-hour private retreat with Elizabeth. This retreat is designed to help you untangle confusion, reconnect with your inner truth, and take empowered steps toward the life—and love—you truly desire.

To learn more or schedule your retreat, reach out to: loveintowholeness@gmail.com